The Contest - Honorable Mentions

I wanted to mention a few more contest entries that impressed me for various reasons. I'm also going to give my thoughts, from the editor's perspective, about what's not working so well or how the paragraph might have been improved.

Just remember, I DO like all of these! So if I've critiqued yours, don't take it too hard. I'm just using these as a chance to share some thoughts that might help us all take our writing to the next level. (I am including myself in this royal "we" since I'm always working on improving my writing, too.)

So here they are, the Honorable Mentions.


Patricia W:

Pink-tinged marshmallows sat nestled against a Confederate blue sky. Yellow-orange streaks shot through the haze like thunderbolts, in one side and out the other, hailing a rising sun still hiding behind the fluffy clouds. Gold and rose flares intertwined, scolding our squinting eyes—it was too early for so much activity—and winking at us to get ready for the warm day to come.

Pink lemonade in the sky.

My thoughts: The best part about this is "scolding our squinting eyes." This is a great example of SHOWING. In fact, it "shows" so nicely that the next phrase, "it was too early for so much activity" is probably unnecessary. One of the biggest challenges for writers is to avoid trying too hard. We often do a great job of "showing" and then, not trusting our reader to get it, we then go ahead and "tell it." In this case, you could easily leave out that parenthetical phrase, and the reader would totally "get it" between "scolding our squinting eyes" and "the day to come."

The pink-tinged marshmallows are nice and visual and I can definitely see this sunrise. I'd caution the writer against overwriting. We've already got marshmallows so we probably don't need lemonade also. And since the clouds have already been described in the first sentence as marshmallows, the use of "fluffy clouds" in the second sentence is unnecessary and feels redundant. You could cut this paragraph down a bit, eliminating the overwritten bits, and it would be a beautiful example of showing vs. telling.

Micah:

Thunder, was that the echoing sound in his ears? No, waves. The din of voices crashed together in a tossed sea of clatter and ambience. Simon realized that his knees were no longer supporting his bulk. Slowly he bent settling on the hard wooden bench in a rumpled mass of fabric. The fingers on his left hand tingled, quavering slightly as the full import of Julia’s words sank through the cacophony around him. A wave of fire traveled quickly from head to toe settling around his chest, squeezing him slowly. The tingling moved up his arm settling in a pulsating ring around his bicep, the tingling slowing to band of pressure, constricting painfully. Simon opened his mouth searching for a response from some distant reserve of words. The tightness in arm and chest joined in one throb of electric shock, driving air from his lungs and shooting black spots before his eyes. The shock jerked him again as a lightning bolt of pain shot down his arm searching for the ground.

My thoughts: The first few sentences seemed slightly overwritten. Thunder, waves, clatter, ambience... too many words were about to lose me. I'd suggest eliminating the first three sentences, because after that it gets interesting. The fourth sentence, "Simon realized..." is a little too telling. There's no emotional impact in "realizing." Maybe change it to something like, "Simon's knees wobbled and he drooped to the wooden bench" as an opening sentence. You don't have to say "no longer supported his bulk" which is rather telling; just show it through something like "wobbling."

After that it gets really interesting! I love this description of a person having a heart attack. We experience it right along with Simon, in every excruciating detail. We feel the tingling, squeezing, pressure, constricting, tightness, the lightning bolt of pain. We know Julia's words precipitated it, and feel his pain about that, too. Nice work! (I sure hope this wasn't written based on personal experience.)

Cosimod:

Before prom, the girls lined up, arms linked, glitter glistening on their tan faces. Ken set up his camera.
"Closer," he said.
They giggled and squeezed into the frame. He counted seven. Why'd Mrs. Meloy say there'd be eight?
"Who's missing?"
A girl with bleached hair twisted her head around. She frowned toward the porch, her eyes landing on a figure in the dark. "Oh, that's my sister," she said. "Misty, get over here."
A girl slumped out, shocks of black hair hanging over her face like that demon child from The Ring. She hesitated halfway across the lawn. The other girls smirked, their eyes traveling from her scuffed clogs past the paisley design of her puke-pink dress, on up to the schoolmarm collar and the wilted petunia in her hair.
"Here, Misty," said her sister. "You stand behind me."

My thoughts: I liked how this snippet showed us so many things. The stated intent was "her outfit was hideous" which definitely came through. But even more importantly, we are shown that Misty was an outcast, but her sister loved her anyway. The love is shown poignantly by the sister’s ability to overlook Misty's hideous "look."

I also liked the nice strong POV here - we're seeing this from Ken's perspective, but without any editorializing on Ken's part. The author lets us experience it as Ken does, which makes for a more fun reading experience. We see Misty's slumped shoulders and her hesitation, we watch the other girls smirking, we hear the sister's unembarrassed claim on Misty. There are worlds of information in these details.

If I were to offer any critique, it would be this tiny point: I'd suggest eliminating "before prom" at the beginning, and replace it with a brief description that suggests it's before prom. Perhaps something about the the girls' dresses would do the trick. Anyway, nice work here!

Bryan Allain:

He hated washing the car. Why spend 15 minutes of time and elbow grease cleaning something that would be filthy again tomorrow? But something happened every time he rinsed off the last traces of soapy residue from the hood. As he wiped down the windshield with a towel, he thought of the smile she'd be wearing as she pulled out of the driveway in a pristine vehicle and contentment flooded his heart. What a mystery it was, how her joy could become his joy. On second thought, he loved washing the car.

This one charmed me because of the way it shows a guy in love without too many sappy "feeling" words. It illustrates a specific "male" way of thinking about love and showing love, and shows love in action. When we write about someone being in love, the temptation is to talk about hearts melting and shivery feelings and butterflies in stomachs. It's refreshing to see is described in a different way.

There's actually a lot of "telling" here, and I wonder if this paragraph could be workshopped into a primarily "showing" piece. When you use words like he hated, he loved, he thought..." you're telling the reader things that could possibly be shown. But we're inside this guy's mind, and the paragraph does a great job of conveying the main point (he is in love), so I'm going to let it be and just say, I love it.

Rainchains:

Jen sat on the porch and hugged her knees. The sky looked pale and faded, washed out like her mother's face without makeup. She swallowed and forced herself to look at the horizon. Colors lingered there. The mountains cut a jagged line across the sky, bony knuckles that left behind a trail of pink welts, purple bruises, and streaks of bloody red.

The door creaked, and she jumped. Her mother stood in the doorway with two suitcases. Sunglasses couldn't hide the marks left by her father's fists. It was time to leave, time to escape the sunset and its colors.

My thoughts: This was terrific in the way the description of the sunset was not really about the sunset but about the terrible circumstances. The sunset wasn't described as beautiful but rough and rather ugly or even threatening, reflecting the abuse on her mother's face. It speaks to me about a beautiful sunset that Jen can't really see the beauty of.

I would end this after "It was time to leave," and delete the final "time to escape" which is already implied.

Stina Rose:

The old man drove a gnarled finger into Ken's t-shirt clad chest, pushing him back. Ken planted his stocky frame firmly, squared his shoulders and glared. His blue eyes did not leave the pale watery ones as he hissed out his response.

My thoughts: Not much to say about this! A great job. Very visual.

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest! I'd love to hear your showing vs. telling questions if you have any more.

Rachelle Gardner is a Christian literary agent affiliated with WordServe Literary Group in Colorado.